Friday 25 May 2018

Feeling sad and bewildered

How do you reconcile yourself to the fact that a lovely person takes her own life.
Secure inside a large number of friends, real friends not just a card at Christmas ones.
People of all ages and both genders.

It was, we were, not enough.

I have been down to the bottom of the deep pit of despair but never considered taking the quick way out. I would not call it the "easy" way as it can not be an easy thing to do.

The SO has had his quota of despair and loss to contend with but he is still here. Still dealing with it on a daily basis.

Tomorrow is the 14th anniversary of my father,s death and 32 days later it will be 14 years since my Mother followed him. Both had been ill for a short period of time. We were all devastated. We are all still here.
Dealing with it.

A long time friend, as close as any sister for a long time, is now a memory. A good memory, full of laughter and quite a bit of naughtiness, mostly of the  childlike variety.

Those memories will be held safe,most of them in a group setting. 

That,s all for today.
I am glad to be back.
I hope not to leave again.  

Francesca will be here soon, she has Herbie to meet and Ben will want to be as close as he can manage.
The first 30 minutes or so will be bedlam.

Back tomorrow, thank you for all your kind thoughts.

                             TTFN                                    Pam.


  1. Love and prayers, Barbara x

  2. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Hugs.

  3. So sorry to read this, Pam. People who take their own lives are clearly not in their right mind, but it is still so hard to understand why they do it. A family friend's husband took his life a few years ago, leaving his wife and young daughter. A distant relative did the same, turns out she was suffering from terrible depression, for which she was receiving treatment, which nobody knew about, not even her husband and daughter. Another family member has tried twice to take his life....more of a cry for help though as both times he told someone what he'd done, very soon after. We can never know what's going on inside someone's head, can we? I wish I could give you a big hug x

  4. I'm sorry to hear it. It's natural in these circumstances to look for answers - especially to 'why' - but sometimes the answers will never be known. Thinking of you.

  5. I'm sorry for your loss Pam. It's a controversial subject for sure, we all have our own opinions. I've been close to that road myself and it's not an easy decision. It's a decision born of too much pain one person is able to cope with. Those left behind can't begin to comprehend it, it's so devastating. I wish you very well my friend. xx

  6. So very sorry for your loss.So many questions that can never now be answered.Sending gentle hugs x

  7. I just can’t comprehend it either. I’ve lost two family members, one so depressed she took her newborn with her. It still hurts 12 years later. And recently, I lost a 26 year old young man I was mentoring at work. I try to remember the laughs and good times, but sometimes, I get a little mad at all the sorrow they left behind. Which is selfish of me, I know but I can’t help it.

  8. Ahh, Pam. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a friend through illness is one thing, but losing them through this is even tougher to bare. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    God bless.

  9. So sorry to hear this. It is so difficult to understand the depth of despair someone must reach to decide there is no other way to deal with it. My nephew chose that route 9 years ago. His brother, his only sibling, is still very angry at him. Thinking of you.

  10. I'm so sorry to read this, Pam. Much love to you.

  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. Xx

  12. Oh Pam, I'm so sorry to hear this and wish I had words of comfort. I can't even begin to comprehend what your friend must have been feeling and how her action is affecting you all, her friends and family. All I can think of is that it was hers to do as she wanted and hopefully she is now at peace.

  13. So very sorry for your loss Pam.

  14. I am sorry for your loss Pam xx I can understand how your friend felt as I am in that place myself but not brave enough to do anything as yet; may she rest peacefully x

  15. Evening Pam

    Oh dear. I am so sad and sorry to read this post about your dear friend. How can we know the anguish people suffer of things going on in their head and heart. At least this lady is no longer tormented. The rest of us have to learn to live with their actions. It's never easy. Rest in peace, dear lady.

    Best wishes to you and be gentle on yourself for a while.


    Carol x

  16. I'm catching up again and so saddened to read you have suffered such a loss. I hope the happy memories you have will heal your heart and you can remember them with smiles instead of tears in the months to come.


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