To socialise more, that is.
I am happy to stop and chat to anyone that I bump into while dog walking, it does not faze me at all. Planning to go and visit though is a whole new kettle of fish.
I did all the things that were on my list this morning, gave Herbie an extra walk out before starting on the gardening and then it all went South.
I set off to visit someone and just over half way there my steps were dragging, I have seen babies crawl faster, I threw in the towel and turned back.
I did not have a panic attack, no wobbly legs, just a solid feeling that I could not do this. Me, who loves nothing more than a good mardle.
I could only think of all the things that I would rather be doing, lovely things like clearing the gutters of fallen leaves.
Perhaps I should not have turned back, maybe I should have "pulled myself together" and pushed onward.
I didn't and have made a cuppa and come to visit all of you instead.
I have been busy pottering about and my time here, both writing and reading has been the thing to suffer. I enjoy reading through my blog list and often dip into other peoples lists as well. I have found some new people to read like that.
I will be meeting new people next week when I go out on Tuesday. Perhaps the fact that they will be completely new is the reason that it does not bother me. They will have no expectations for me to aspire to live up to.
Before anyone gets exasperated I know that some of that is utter rubbish, but I can still know it and think it at the same time.
We do judge others, some of us for some of the time. We judge by appearance, hair, make up, clothes and we judge by our own standards. We may not admit it but that is the only yardstick that we can really use.
Dolly Parton has said, so many times, that she always wanted to look like "trailer trash". She may do but in a very polished style, not to everyone's taste but I think she looks amazing.
Some of the pop stars and young (and the not so young) film stars seem to have the impression that the less clothes and more jewellery and slap they wear, the better they look.
Certainly in my teenage days I wore mini skirts, hot pants, plastic jewellery(?) and the heavy eye make up of the era. The main difference was that every girl and young woman looked much the same. When I changed my style, or rather found my own, I did not blend in well.
I seem to have wandered away from the chosen path, probably because I removed the pressure from myself.
I will simply make the most of Tuesday and try to get out again next week.
I will not give up because I am sure that the day will come when I look forward to some interaction on a face to face basis.
I have planned a meal for tonight that requires milk, and of course I have none in the house. I have also moved some pots from the front of the house that need planting up.
I think that a quick trip to Lidl will supply me with milk and some coloured primroses. Perhaps the more that I brighten up my surroundings the brighter I will become.
I am in my kitchen with door and window wide open and can hear the glorious sounds of birds twittering away and children playing with the odd dog bark thrown in.
I will finish my tea and whizz off out, it should not take more than 45 minutes all told and I will be back in the garden again.
Thank you for listening, it does help to have this platform to rant, moan and clear our minds upon.